mindful chattering

When love is left alone in the dark it dies slowly like a fire with out air. It is a dwindling flame that i wish would simply sputter out. However, I don't seem to be able to choke out the flame. My breath keeps whispering air into the flame, keeping things burning. Even if the embers are only warm to my touch. They've grown cold to everyone else while I still hold on hoping for a spark.
Stopping myself from getting a roaring fire

Of such behavior I am beginning to tire

As my patience for myself wains

Frustration is often something that i claim

My internal conflicts always reign

Shame, Shame, Shame runs the constant refrain.

Forgetful Fog

I have found that the longer you reside inside of a situation you feel unfavorably towards you soon become apathetic to it entirely.
It seems to me that i have a little apathy on my hands here. I am no longer dwelling on the notions others might hold of me and could careless about how i am perceived. I am going to do what I wish and not give a shit. It seems to work rather well for me. To say I am apathetic would not really be it. I am just more blithe than before.

I wear blithe well.

On the idea of things well worn, my fall wardrobe is painfully lacking in gear warm enough for a San Francisco winter, which is seeming to come far to early this year. I am being consumed by a bone aching chill. however, i do have some newly purchased 90$ tea to warm me up. Even though i could have just burned my money straight from my pocket and it would have had the same effect. So no new clothing to keep me warm because i have burned it on such a stupid thing as tea. It is weird how the fog almost looks like snow.

Off into the tundra I go.

Shooting Star

you are a shooting star that's why you are my favorite.

you are a shooting star don't go and try to change it.

i missed out on a shooting star tonight. I got preoccupied on a phone call while everyone else got to see the wonders of the sky streaking star and i was left unawed and wish less. I'm thinking about what i would wish for now. i really think i would wish for some more confidence. Not the kind of confidence that lets you speak in front of crowds, or the kind that gives you the ability to humiliate yourself and not care. The kind of confidence that lets you stand alone in a crowd without the support of any. It is the one thing I fear about starting again somewhere new. Loosing the bonds I've come to depend on and having to reach out past my comfort zone to form new ones. I wish i just had one person there to stand by me so i didn't feel so alone. I guess i just have to get over these kind of things and deal.

The less self conscious i am the more outgoing less bitchy and more friendly i am the better i will do. So there's the game plan; all i have to do is stick with it and have fun until i need to put it into motion.

a wandering mind

tonights gunna be a good night

tonights gunna be a good good night.

only a few weeks left until my official send off so i've decided to make a that song my new mantra

I will never have another bad night because i don't have any nights to spare.

anxiety, excitement, and nerves are filling my mind

thoughts of unconsidered ideas and challenges

schedules and friends

the loss of close bonds

the chance to make new ones

leaving the familiarity of home

only to return again

i hope that i get everything i hope for and more but until then i'm not thinking about whats to come and just living in each moment.

Coveting College

waiting for the goods times to start rollin'

i feel like summer is just a stagnant period before i go off to college.

and being 18 has not enhanced a life in moorpark

i believe that all the fun i will be having will need to be out sourced from Hollywood etc.

i can't wait until i don't have to drive into the city to have fun because i will be living in the middle of the city and all the fun.

bring on the cozy cafes, crazy clubs, and city life.

Abnormal Anxiety

I keep feeling like there is something i have to do.

One of those nagging feelings.

But i can't think of anything i need to do.

So now i am just doing random things around the house, like dusting. I even vacuumed the carpet under my bed; no one sees under a bed. I'm just doing everything i can think of hoping I'll just haphazardly do the right task.

I think I'm just all angst-y for no apparent reason. I don't know what it is but i really don't enjoy it.

i don't get nervous for no reason, and i absolutely do not clean more than i need to.

i better figure out what is bothering me fast or next I'll be cleaning a whole mirror rather then just as far as i can reach.

Cyber-ized

got a web cam

woot

Community

I have zero community service hours and i had a full day of volunteer actions set up and ready to go. Then they canceled the whole thing due to winds. So no i will never graduate. How the hell am i going to get 40 hours of community service in 2 months. FML

short & sweet

Autum has come and left already.

10 days seems so short.

My new summer plans involve:

Israel, clubbing, and autum.

Now i have to go to a full week of school starting Monday. I don't think i will make it. FML

Eventful

Today:

Driving, was painful for autum. She spilled burning hot coffee on her lap. She is now a legit burn victim. Donate money to the save autum fund!

Facial, its was so awkward. I was naked on a table with some lady rubbing oil on my face. Now I'm not allowed to wear make-up for 24 hours, or else. That is all she said; 'or else'. What the hell does that mean?!

Shopping, took for ever. I will never again in my life go to Topanga mall. I walked for ever and never found anything. I was so lost all the time, and everyone i asked didn't know where they were either. It is a maze of doom!

Home, i am now taking a well deserved nap, and have an ice cold drink. After that nap i will be going to the T.O. mall so autum can get shirts. My feet are going to fall off. Then it is off to dinner somewhere to go do something with someone. My plans are so concrete.

Constantly Inconsistent

I am so sick of these almost rainy and killer cold days followed by a sunny warm sky. All i am asking for is a little consistency here. Honestly.

I am going to get my tattoo, eventually. I am honestly the most indecisive person in the world.
I am at least getting my ears pierced again while autum is out here.

Also if i even have a prayer of getting my tattoo I've got to get some money together, quick.

Whatever I'll just go to a tattoo parlor and if i feel good right before I'm going to do it i will and if I'm second guessing it i won't. Problem solved.

But i am for sure done with school. I got in to college so every thing from here on out is completely pointless. I just have to keep C's and I'm good to go. So now i can really start the fun part of senior year.

Busy because

Autum is in town.

I am so happy. These two weeks are going to be amazing. We have so many things that we have to do together, its the longest list in the world.

And i will promise everyone that i will speak fluent Hebrew before Autum leaves!

crafty cleaning

cleaning..

cleaning..

cleaning..

In the process of scrubbing every surface in my house, and cleaning out my closet i found a few old trinkets and treasures from the good old days.

Of course there was the stereotypical diary that had DON'T READ dramatically scrawled across the front, that i only wrote in once.

A black shirt with a shockingly low neck line that made me feel really grown up in middle school. I promptly through that in the give away pile.

I also unearthed a few adorable skirts and the cutest beach dress that i had completely forgotten i owned.

Overall a productive day that ended in an addition to my wardrobe. I say job well done.

Now i just want to sell all the clothes I'm planning on giving away and make some bank.

recessions make us all so crafty

Hopefully i can add to my 'get a legit camera fund' with the money i get.

let down, then get down.

So many years wasted in MSP and at robertson plays. Seniors need to be the leaders in the class and yet we don't get any leads?

something is off; and i'm over it.

I'll work with what I've got and make it fabulous.

Now i am off to have a crazy friday night; play, CPF, party, and simi.

If nothing else looking forward to a visit from a friend and getting my tattoo will get me through.

Stress and Espresso

I really need to be studying for a psych test but i can't focus; and after 5 cups of coffee i certainly cannot sit still and concentrate on anything.

I'm going to fail.

Happenings

I really should be studying for all the test I'm doomed to take on monday, but I'd rather not, so i wont.

Yesterday i had a immensely frustrating script meeting where i found out that half my committee didn't even know the main plot of the play. Honestly, me and a select few will practically be writing this on our own. When did creativity die?

But i had movie night to cheer me up. We 'watched' Titanic, but really just talked and acted like 4 years old. It is what we do best. We also got Yo Fruitii, and I'm officially addicted.

And my friends, like many others, are in a tizzy over this 'Larry Lohan' character. Deemed the Gossip Girl of moorpark?

Adventure

"The planet is talking about a revolution.

The natural laws ain't got no constitution.

They've got a right to live their own life.

But we keep on paving over paradise." -Jason Mraz

I've just returned from Sacramento and I already have piles of make-up work to do.
although it was completely worth it. SAC was the most fun I've ever had. We got to roam free in the big city and sit in the legit. desks of legislatures, not only that but my bill was passed. I was a rock star during debate, if i do say so myself.
There were also many entertaining things that happened while we were there. A girl got sent home. We had a super hero themed dance. I got owned by a blow-up bouncy obstacle course. But most of all the bill i was sponsoring passed. Boo-ya no more propositions in the Y&G system.

I'm exhausted, bruised, and my feet are killing me from wearing so many heals; and now its back to the mundane life of school work.

But an acceptance letter to University of San Francisco has certainly brightened up my week.
now i just have to choose between Notre Dame De Namure and USF. I mean it's only my future at stake.

So I've decided to focus on my school work, then i can keep my conditional acceptances.

Epic Day

Today i went to Universal Studios. I was so stoked about it all week and it was the best time ever.

The first thing we did was a horror walk through. We all died a million times. People ran around us with knifes and grabbed us. im pretty sure somewhere thats against the law. But i realized that i do infact have a heart condition so i should not partake in such activities again.

I went on the back lot tour and got to see WESTERIA LANE. Yeuh, desperate house wives.

We went on the mummy ride too, that thing is crazy!

It looks like just some other indiana jones ride, but oh no. It goes from zero to sixty in like .2 seconds. Im obsessed with it.

Then, when we were on one of the millions of escaletors in the park, we made friends with some guys who tried to book it up the stairs around us. I ended up giving them a "i need to get somewhere right now" theme song which they ended up singing with me. We're all really close now.

Then i come home and get the mail and i find...a BIG letter from Notre Dame De Namur. I got accepted!!!!

One of the best days of my life. I love gloomy days brightened by universal and college acceptance letters.

The begining

This is the first blog thing i have ever had. Everyone had been raving about how much fun they were for ages so now i finaly got my own. Now that i have one i don't have anything to write about. I really don't like it when people post their personal life stories on here, or when it is simply an internet diary. I promise i will try to keep my posts interesting and not uncomfortably personal.

But

I was writting a research paper today and i though of something; vanity is supposedly a horriable thing but honestly what harm does it really do. I can't think of any real concequences of it except maybe if you are super vain people will just never talk to you. Well, I couldn't think of any.
Ofcourse my paper was on the negative effects of vanity.

Now

I am off to go write up some scripts and what not for my MSP play.