Stone to Stone

I am wondering where I am heading. I am desperately trying to lay down my path stone by stone, hopefully leading myself to a desired destination. Some stones have landed far off the path, others have cracked, and even more stay in my arms for fear of loosing them, loosing my chances, and an even deeper fear of my path taking me in unexpected, and risky directions. The weight of retained stones is slowing my pace and dragging me down making each step more difficult and calculated. I am no longer skipping stone to stone as I had in my younger years.

While my stone path has been bumpy it has served me quite well until recently. Stone to stone you can see my journey, my decisions, and my life. But now I am out of safe landings. The once abundant, spongy, green grass has slowly given way to harder, sandier ground. I am finding myself being forced to cast my stones on uneven ground. The weight of my decisions, the weight of my stones, and the weight of my body have brought me to a stand still. I cannot decide where to go from here.

I stand here surrounded by a sea of beige consumed in clouds of dust and sand, desperate to leave but unable to move. My eyes stinging from the wind I shakily extend my arm, heart pounding, I suspend a stone above this desert terrain.

Rambling

Lately in my life I have encountered a person who is insincere and in-compassionate in almost all ways.
I find it very interesting that until recently I had the opposite opinions about this person. After some thought I figured out how this can happen.

There are people who repeat lies about themselves and once they've convinced themselves they present them as truths.
This person consistently states how caring they are and what a good person they are.
However, the actions I experience are quite different from the messages she preaches about herself. She is consistently tearing down all the other people around her. She also consistently speaks about other people and can never have a real conversation about herself.
I took this treatment and consistent talk about others to heart at first. My feelings were hurt and I found myself being in a dismal funk whenever I was around this person, but the I came to a realization.

There are many people who act like this, I am sure there are people like this in almost every one's life. This friend of mine is acting in these way because she has no idea who she is. She has adopted traits that she has been socially conditioned to think are 'good' which she repeats. however she acts in a totally different way because these traits are not truly her. She then drags other people down because she can not handle seeing others comfortable with themselves when she is not. She also has a desperate need to be liked more by everyone she meets, so when confronted with a group of new people she will bash her closer friends to look 'cooler' in front of them.

I am seeing this behavior now for what it is. It is simply a young person who has been unable to mature and truly become comfortable with who they are. This person acts out on anger when ever they encounter a person who has what they yearn for. The once hurtful behavior I now look at with sorrow. While many comments still hurt I can take them with a grain of salt.

I think that when confronted with this kind of person sitting down to discuss the behavior can help but wont always work. I think that with this type of personality it is really best to just disengage from the hurtful comments and give them no attention as if they were a three year old throwing a tantrum. The lack of attention should lessen the behavior as long as the surrounding environment does not encourage it.