Colorful Daydream

The fog is so thick it looks as though a white blanket has been draped in front of my window. Cutting me off from the rest of the world. Making my room an island that floats freely through the sky nestled on a cloud of fog.

Listening to music and watching the mist drift by my mind goes blank. I just sit and watch the water droplets gather on the glass. The fog is so white and thick it seems like it tangible, like a blank canvas. If only I could take my paints from my drawer and pain this bright white canvas in the sky. Bright yellow, greens and blues would hang in the air. Small drops of pink would drip into other colors. People could look above to see a smattering of colors intertwined with the white mist. Perhaps a drop or two would find their way down to the ground making bright splashes of color on the wet cement. Swirling purple and indigo traveling across the sky. A master piece only for some to see. A painting for only those who stop to turn their heads towards the sky. Only a work of art for those who look at the droplets on the ground and wonder. Only for those who stop to care. And a painting for me; a painting hanging in the air.

Winter Woes

There are times when you will feel pain.
There are times when you'll feel there is nothing to gain.
And there will be times, my child, when all you feel is the rain.

Im standing under a cloud and I can feel every fattened drop of water explode on my skin.
A drop of liquid engorged with resentment, a drop fed by fear, a drop expanded by anxiety, they continue to grow and continue to fall.

I'm left to find the melancholy beauty that lies inside of the storm, the music that lies inside of thunder, and the hope that is illuminated by the lightening.

Just as all things storms pass. Black clouds blow away to be replaced by sun and bird songs.

Short Stories Sooth the Soul

The crisp night air whispers around me, carrying the sent of eucalyptus and the ocean. I breathe the aroma in letting it settle deep inside my lungs. As I inhale I can feel myself relax, the anxious tension in my muscles releases some. The cool breeze helps me to gather my wine soaked thoughts. I absent-mindedly light my cigarette and sink to the floor. Despite the cold my skin is warm to the touch and my cheeks have a childish pink glow. I am sitting on the second story porch of a friend, of a friend, of a friend’s apartment. I think his name maybe Ali, or Allen. I take another drag and shake my head as I think about the mess poor Ali Allen will have to clean up in the morning. With my eyes closed, and back pressed against the outer wall of the house I focus on the small vibrations of the bass coming from the music within. I try to guess the song playing but I’m sure I’m very wrong. I look out into the night sky and the ocean view that Ali Allen is so luck to have.

Looking out I find where the ocean ends and the sky begins and follow the line of the horizon until my view of the ocean is obstructed by more apartments. Looking into the ocean I feel a pull to be closer to it, as if the tide were pulling me in with each breaking wave. I shift myself forward and clumsily slip my legs through the bars of the railing. I lean forward as far as I can resting all of my weight on the center bar. My cigarette forgotten on the floor, smokes itself behind me. I swing my legs thrilled with this new freedom, eyes still focused on the salty waters below. Now perching on the edge of the porch, hugging the middle railing, pressing my hot cheek against the cool metal I smiled. Sitting there I thought to myself how much I used to love to sit like this on porches and balconies; to be so close to the edge but never able to fall. My euphoric smile fell into a scowl as I thought about this. I hugged tighter to the railing a chill running down my spine for the first time that night. How I wished my life could be like sitting here. How I wished I could satisfy my curiosity and get close to those deep, dark, dangerous things in the world but never fall into them. My face twisted into a grimace and my eyebrows furrowed as thought about how many times I had fallen. I felt in my stomach how much I wished, that no matter how close I came to falling, there would always be a railing there to stop me. How much I wished I had a safe guard to hold onto. The sound of the crashing waves filled my ears as I thought of how unfair life was. I shut my eyes again as I though of how often I had been drawn to the allure of dangerous things just as I had been drawn to the ocean. And how easily I allowed myself to give into my curiosity.

Perhaps everyone does not feel the same pulls as I do. It could be that I’m the only one who thinks of diving effortlessly into the water running beneath a bridge. It could be that only I look at many decisions as leaps into unknown, dangerous territories. It could be that I am the only one who believes that the feeling of falling is the freest feeling in the world. But the landing, the landing is the awful part. The crash back into reality, that’s what I can’t handle, the bone crushing pain of knowing that there are repercussions soon to come.

If only there were a railing to contain me in my life. A railing like the cold, unfeeling metal I now held in my arms. If only I could push as hard as I could towards the dark unknown sea of life but never need to feel the pain of actually falling into the water. A voice mingled in with the sounds of the waves and the soft beat of the bass from inside broke me from my thoughts. Someone asking, “Where the hell did my crazy bitch go?” I smiled to myself and released my grip on the metal rail. Slowly standing up and taking a last deep breath of cool crisp ocean air, I headed inside. I was greeted by the firm embrace of my friend, my railing.

Clashing with the Current

I am looking forward with excitement and expectations.

I am determined to have this year be different from the last. I am not striving for some dramatic change to take me away from a terrible experience, or some kind of life altering series of events to make up a monumental year. I simply want to take charge of what I will be doing. I want to be able to have something to show for a year spent in the city.

I want to be able to look back at my time and not see a person who was swept any which way by the current.

Looking out into the world and seeing what it has to offer makes me realize even more that i cannot pass up on these opportunities again.

I wont let others, or myself hold me back. No more fear of judgment or lack of acceptance. I will try my hardest to ignore my self conscious nature and allow myself to act freely.

No Man's Land

B.o.B. aka Bobby Ray; always there to save my day

I try to hold on, on to everything. Sweet memories but that was yesterday.

Free to Fall

"They say what goes up must come down,

but don't let me fall"

There is a accepted idea in the world that hard work will get you far. However, there is also the accepted idea that what goes up must come down. How can anyone work to get up high just to fall? I have been thinking about risks taken when pursuing a future. I've noticed the one risk that is never really calculated; unhappiness. Whenever you speak to someone about their future they always say they want to do something that will make them happy. Rarely does anyone stay true to this magnificent sentiment. Most people are driven towards careers for very different reasons.

Everyone settles. Whether with a career, a lover, a life.

If you asked me what I wanted to be when i was five I would have confidently said a princess. At ten i would have said a super star like Brittany spears. And now I will shakily reply that I am in school get a degree in psychology.

I have never been more true to myself than when I was a naive ten year old.

While the world around us forces us to be more realistic in our choices for a profession our souls should rebel against this confinement of our future.

I am going to take a real risk, and hope that I don't fall.

Claiming Confidence

Confidence is something that resides in your breath. It clings on the tip of every exhale. It is the sweet scent the lingers in the air between speech. It is the forceful wind that delivers words into others minds. It gives air to the sails of ones ideas.

All thoughts take flight with the air of confidence beneath their wings.

Confidence is that Jen ne sais quios that allows you to speak your mind with strength and elegance.

Principles and Parties

The words that rest upon my mind are the words that are meant to be spoken. The ideas that float in the recesses of my head are the ideas that are meant to be shared. The thoughts that cross my mind are the thoughts that are meant to be expressed.
I refuse to allow the ideologies and feeling of others to shape my actions. The only thing I have power over are my own actions and that is not something I will give up easily.

On another note i will be experiencing a different culture tonight. One that it full of grass skirts, styrofoam flowers and big hair. Of course im talking about those crazy Hawaiian's. There will be coconut bras and shaking booties everywhere and I will enjoy it. It is my classy on campus strip joint ;)
Then this week only brings on more promises of festivities and fun. Let's just hope that reality can live up to expectations of this 4th week of April.

Restless Relations

Is there someone out there for everyone?

There are always stories told of true love, prince charming, and soul mates; most of these stories begin with once upon a time.

What about my time?

Everywhere I look relationships are flawed. Most are made on a foundation of fear; a fear to be alone. Relationships made out of desperation to not be the person watching lifetime movies with a pint of chocolate ice cream on a lonely Friday night.

But instead of settling for the average joe should we wait for our fairy tale ending? Should we keep looking and searching for prince charming, for our soul mates? How can anyone pass on every one because they are waiting for the ever illusive soul mate? But at the same time how can someone settle for a life with someone who is less than perfect for them?

In this world all I can see is mildly happy people, with mildly satisfying relationships, and mildly fulfilling lives.

I want to end the cycle. I want to live much more than a mildly satisfying life and I want to have a vibrant, vivacious, and exciting relationship whenever an opportunity arises. I wont wait around for a prince charming, however when and if i do settle for any life time relationship I refuse to even settle for a mildly satisfying relationship with a mildly interesting companion.

What will you do when you have to choose?