Short Stories Sooth the Soul

The crisp night air whispers around me, carrying the sent of eucalyptus and the ocean. I breathe the aroma in letting it settle deep inside my lungs. As I inhale I can feel myself relax, the anxious tension in my muscles releases some. The cool breeze helps me to gather my wine soaked thoughts. I absent-mindedly light my cigarette and sink to the floor. Despite the cold my skin is warm to the touch and my cheeks have a childish pink glow. I am sitting on the second story porch of a friend, of a friend, of a friend’s apartment. I think his name maybe Ali, or Allen. I take another drag and shake my head as I think about the mess poor Ali Allen will have to clean up in the morning. With my eyes closed, and back pressed against the outer wall of the house I focus on the small vibrations of the bass coming from the music within. I try to guess the song playing but I’m sure I’m very wrong. I look out into the night sky and the ocean view that Ali Allen is so luck to have.

Looking out I find where the ocean ends and the sky begins and follow the line of the horizon until my view of the ocean is obstructed by more apartments. Looking into the ocean I feel a pull to be closer to it, as if the tide were pulling me in with each breaking wave. I shift myself forward and clumsily slip my legs through the bars of the railing. I lean forward as far as I can resting all of my weight on the center bar. My cigarette forgotten on the floor, smokes itself behind me. I swing my legs thrilled with this new freedom, eyes still focused on the salty waters below. Now perching on the edge of the porch, hugging the middle railing, pressing my hot cheek against the cool metal I smiled. Sitting there I thought to myself how much I used to love to sit like this on porches and balconies; to be so close to the edge but never able to fall. My euphoric smile fell into a scowl as I thought about this. I hugged tighter to the railing a chill running down my spine for the first time that night. How I wished my life could be like sitting here. How I wished I could satisfy my curiosity and get close to those deep, dark, dangerous things in the world but never fall into them. My face twisted into a grimace and my eyebrows furrowed as thought about how many times I had fallen. I felt in my stomach how much I wished, that no matter how close I came to falling, there would always be a railing there to stop me. How much I wished I had a safe guard to hold onto. The sound of the crashing waves filled my ears as I thought of how unfair life was. I shut my eyes again as I though of how often I had been drawn to the allure of dangerous things just as I had been drawn to the ocean. And how easily I allowed myself to give into my curiosity.

Perhaps everyone does not feel the same pulls as I do. It could be that I’m the only one who thinks of diving effortlessly into the water running beneath a bridge. It could be that only I look at many decisions as leaps into unknown, dangerous territories. It could be that I am the only one who believes that the feeling of falling is the freest feeling in the world. But the landing, the landing is the awful part. The crash back into reality, that’s what I can’t handle, the bone crushing pain of knowing that there are repercussions soon to come.

If only there were a railing to contain me in my life. A railing like the cold, unfeeling metal I now held in my arms. If only I could push as hard as I could towards the dark unknown sea of life but never need to feel the pain of actually falling into the water. A voice mingled in with the sounds of the waves and the soft beat of the bass from inside broke me from my thoughts. Someone asking, “Where the hell did my crazy bitch go?” I smiled to myself and released my grip on the metal rail. Slowly standing up and taking a last deep breath of cool crisp ocean air, I headed inside. I was greeted by the firm embrace of my friend, my railing.